


Ceiling Clint Hears ALL

by KathyRoland



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: F/F, F/M, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-24
Updated: 2012-07-23
Packaged: 2017-11-10 14:24:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 2,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/467300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KathyRoland/pseuds/KathyRoland
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clint really didn't mean to hear those conversations.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In which there is bondage

He hadn’t meant to listen in to their discussion that morning. Clint was in fact on his way from Coulson’s room and knew the quickest and least comment provoking way was through the air conditioning vents. Which happened to cross through Stark’s and Banner’s lab. 

“Tony?” He heard Bruce ask gently.

“Hmm?”

“Is that a fucking machine?”

Clint instantly stopped his journey, freezing.

“Don’t worry about it,” Stark muttered offhandedly. “It’s for science.”

“And the bondage toys next to it?” Banner inquired, laughter evident in his voice.

“Science!”

“Huh…” Clint could hear Banner shifting.

Stark cleared his throat. “Want to try?”

There was a pause.

“Okay.” 

Clint thought it best he continue his journey immediately before his mind snapped from listening to the two below him. He made a mental note to try a different route next time. His sanity did not deserve to be shaken like that.


	2. In which pegging is discussed

Clint wondered for the first time in his life if he and his partner were too vanilla. He was quickly finding out his fellow teammates were kinky bastards. It was another day and another vent to explore when he heard Thor’s exuberant voice and headed towards it, knowing the room it was coming from. 

“My friend! I am glad to have found you, for I desire an answer to a question I have been pondering!”

“How may I help you, Thor?” Coulson responded.

“My lady Jane has made a request of me for our bed sports tonight, and I am wondering what I have agreed to, for I have never heard of such an act.”

Clint started to shake with suppressed laughter, imagining Phil’s face at such a statement.

The was a long silence. “What act?” Phil’s voice was absolutely calm and composed. 

“Pegging. I have never heard of such a thing.”

“Ah.”

Clint knew he hadn’t smiled this wide in a long time. Tears of mirth were gathering in his eyes.

“Have you tried the internet?” Phil finally asked.

“Indeed I have not!”

“Perhaps Jarvis can guide you to the appropriate site. Jarvis?”

“Certainly, sir.” The AI responded. 

“Thank you, my fine friend. I shall go and research so I may be prepared for tonight!”

Clint listened to Thor walking out of the room before bursting into laughter.

“I’m glad you found that funny.” Coulson muttered as he started typing on his laptop.

After a few minutes, Clint was able to calm himself down and find an opening in the duct to drop into the room. 

Coulson didn’t look up as he continued typing. 

“We have dinner reservations at 17.00,” he told Clint. “I do not want my date to be covered in dust from the air vents.”

Clint smiled and nodded as he settled into his armchair in Phil’s office to watch his lover.

“I can leave off exploring for the rest of the day.”


	3. In which Darcy is a BNF

This time, Clint found himself listening because he had been assigned to so unobtrusively. For him, that meant high and out of sight. Loki had once again attempted to take over the world and once again been defeated by the Avengers. He was now in the most secure room Stark could come up with (which meant the most secure place in their world) whilst waiting for his brother to return so he could be transported back to Asgard. Jarvis was monitoring the room and Clint was assigned to be a second set of eyes and ears from above to watch the Trickster.

Darcy Lewis had entered with his evening meal and was studying the God of Lies.

“So… horses?” She asked staring intently at Loki.

Loki simply raised an eyebrow as he reached for the sandwich.

“Cause the Internet has found out about Sleipnir and fangirls need to know.”

“Are you inquiring if I have given birth to a horse as in your myths?”

Darcy nodded eagerly. “Yeah, cause it would be totally awesome for certain members of Tumblr to know that MPreg can happen.” She suddenly tensed and looked around the room. “Not that I would leak classified information or anything. Not even for fandom.” She nodded firmly even as she crossed her fingers. 

“MPreg?” 

“Male Pregnancy! You know, so that people can feel totally vindicated about their Castiel/Dean fics that end in multitudes of babies because Dean is totally knocking Castiel up every chance he gets.” Darcy was bouncing slightly as she rambled.

Clint wondered when he would be waking from this dream.

“I was a female, not a male.”

“So just the bestiality, then?”

Loki just stared silently at her.

“Huh. I wonder if it still qualifies as bestiality if both are horses at the time…” She muttered to herself. 

“You are a strange, unsettling creature. Leave me.”

“Sure dude. I have… stuff to do, anyway.” Darcy walked out, letting the door lock behind her.

Clint made a note to have Coulson change the schedule so that Darcy was never allowed to interact with Loki again. Ever.


	4. In which there is BAMF cuddling

Clint had resolved to stop stopping on his journeys through the unseen parts of Stark Tower because his mind couldn’t handle becoming more disturbed- something that was bound to happen when listening to his teammates he was quickly finding. Bondage, Pegging, and Bestiality/Pregnancy were all topics he did not need to know the context of when applied to the people he knew. He vowed to himself that if he heard anyone talking at all he was going to get the fuck out of hearing range. Honest. It was just that he had heard Pepper’s question and had to investigate.

“Does Clint know?” She had asked as he was passing by the rec room.

“Why?” Natasha asked softly. “Would it bother you if he did?”

This time Clint could not only hear but see as well as there was a small vent to the side of the room that afforded him an excellent vantage point. He peered carefully through it and blinked in surprise. 

Natasha his often times partner, the only human he could say capable of scaring the shit out of him was cuddling with Pepper Potts. Huh. She had a soppy expression on her face he had never seen before. 

Peppers fingers carded through Natasha’s hair and they stared at the television screen. 

“No.” Ms. Potts was answering. “He’s your friend, he deserves to know.”

“He does like to know that I’m happy.” Natasha murmured. “And you make me very happy indeed.”

Pepper smiled softly and hummed lightly.

Clint started backing up when Natasha spoke again.

“Isn’t that right, Barton?”

He froze. 

“Yep.” He attempted to keep his voice even as his heart rate skyrocketed. “I’m very glad for you both.” 

“Spy on me again and there will be consequences.” Natasha’s voice was full of affection, but Clint knew his days would be numbered if he disregarded the threat. 

Pepper was looking around, trying to spot him, though Natasha hadn’t shifted position from her embrace on the couch. 

“Goodbye, Barton.” Natasha’s voice was still calm. The calm before the storm his worried mind supplied.

He started moving faster.


	5. In which there is Angst

How was this shit his life? Clint had been expanding his ever increasing mental map of the tower via exploring random crawlspaces when he had heard the rhythmic sounds of Steve destroying his daily assortment of punching bags. Mentally congratulating himself for finding a route from the kitchen to the workout room, Clint began to look for a vent that he could use to get out of the crawlspace. 

“Sir?” Jarvis spoke, “The search for public records has finished. The results are compiled on your Starkpad if you should wish to go over them.”

There was a brief moment of silence as the captain unhooked the last punching bag. 

“Thanks Jarvis.”

“You’re welcome sir.”

“Can you tell me if any of them live within a day’s travel from here, though? I wonder if I could get Tony to lend me some faster transportation than my bike.”

After a pause, Jarvis spoke again. “I regret to inform you that according to the public records that I have compiled, the last surviving member of your former unit died eight months ago. My condolences, sir.”

“The last? Eight months?” Steve’s voice was wretched. 

“I’m sorry sir.”

“Oh.” 

There was some more silence. Clint started backing up- this was not for him to hear.

“Jarvis, could you please cut off all monitoring to this room. I’d like to be alone.”

Clint shimmied backward as fast as possible. 

“Certainly sir. I shall reroute any attempt to contact you for the rest of the day.”

Clint finally got far enough away that he didn’t hear anything more. He was done with exploring for the day. Instead, he had a plan to plan.


	6. Chapter 6

The Avengers, minus Captain America assembled in the kitchen of Stark Tower with Darcy, Pepper and Coulson.

“So… we need to cheer up Steve, cause he just got shitty news of the highest level and hasn’t been doing anything other than be depressed for the last week since learning about his former teammates.” Clint concluded.

Tony was squinting at him as he listened. 

“And how did you know about this?” Stark asked.

“Eh, I like to travel the unseen routes of the tower.” Clint shrugged and hoped no one would pursue that line of questioning.

Natasha, the traitor spoke up. “He means he’s been listening in to private conversations for the past month because he’s been in the ceiling. Assume he has been privy to anything you didn’t want people to overhear.”

Everyone save Coulson and Natasha immediately looked to Clint in horror. 

“I didn’t mean to!” Clint held up his hands. “I so did not need to know some of the things I now know about you!”

Darcy gasped. “It was you! You’re the reason I have my internet restricted!” She pointed a threatening finger at him. “My followers must think I’m dead! I haven’t updated in weeks! Loki-fangirls need me to bring meaning to their lives!”

There was a short shocked silence for a moment before Coulson spoke up. 

“Perhaps we should remain on topic?” he interjected quietly.

“Figures Agent Agent would have no problem with invasion of privacy!” Tony remarked bitterly. 

“So about Steve…” Bruce cut in, looking anywhere but at Clint.

“Aye, our friend must know he has our support in this trying time!” Thor agreed.

“Alright. Steve first, Ceiling Katniss later.” Tony allowed. “Who’s up for some team bonding?”


	7. In which there is revenge

Later that night, an exhausted team stumbled out of the elevator. Steve was smiling for the first time in a week. Natasha and Pepper were holding hands. Darcy was exchanging sex tips with Bruce and Tony while Thor listened with wide eyes. The last two out were Clint and Phil. They watched the team move to the rec room and out of hearing range before Phil turned to Clint. 

“Bed?” He murmured quietly.

“God, yes. Sex too?” Clint’s voice was equally soft and fond.

“Hmm.”

“My room or yours?”

“Your room is closer.” Phil murmured.

Clint sidled up to his partner. “I love you, you know.” He whispered into Phil’s ear, dropping a light kiss to his neck.

“I know.”

“And I love the fantastic sex I can look forward to at the end of the day.” 

As they entered Clint’s room, they both stopped short in horror at the sight before them. There were cat posters everywhere. Cat posters with captions like “Ceiling Cat is Watching You” and “Long Live Chairman Meow!” There wasn’t a section of wall or ceiling not covered by a glossy photo or poster of a cat. 

Clint was speechless.

Phil turned to him. “No more, Barton. No more journeys through the vents.” He paused and looked once more at the room. “And no sex tonight either- the mood is irrevocably gone.”

Clint sighed. It looked as though he would be spending a significant amount of time that night pulling down posters. He looked hopefully at Phil, wondering if he would help.

Phil looked over his room again and shuddered. 

“I have some paper work I can catch up on. Come get me when you’re finished clearing this stuff out.” He paused, considering something in his mind. “I am not sleeping here tonight. In fact I may never be able to stay here again- I think this room has been ruined for me.”

Clint sighed again. Phil’s room was nice and all, but he really didn’t like sleeping in a room that had its own shrine to one of his teammates. He looked around his own room again. Then again, at least it wasn’t as creepy as the cats. Life sucked.

**Author's Note:**

> Response to a prompt posted here- http://avengerkink.livejournal.com/7940.html?thread=15835140#t15835140
> 
> If you see any errors, please let me know so I can fix them. Thanks!


End file.
